There is this scene in Fight Club where Jack beats himself up and frames his boss. The cops burst through the door just in time to catch the supervisor red handed by the blood of Jack’s self inflicted wounds.
I can relate the attack. I damage myself too. It’s not punches and cuts like Jack so I get to look a little better externally. But, I don’t have anyone to frame. Poor decision making due to weak discipline. Repetitious mistakes and ugly regret. Selfishness. Pride. Arrogance. Again. And Again. And again. Then, at the moment I realize my error, the cops burst through the door and there I am with the blood on my hands. I have no one to blame but myself.
My solution to all this has always been production. Work. When I mess up I need to find a way to earn out of it. Sure, I understand the bible is pretty clear. Ephesians 2:8-9 ”For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast.” This passage comes among many other examples of truth where salvation is called a ‘gift’.
So, here is a grind. At some point the problem must be solved. I beat myself up and cause a mess. Then, the justice bursts through the door I have to answer for the mistakes. Here are the steps I encounter within, perhaps you can identify:
1. Recognition of the sin – It seems obvious but this is so hard for me. I usually begin this thought with “Here we go again”, dropping my shoulders in shame and defeat. But underneath that is a deeper discouragement in realizing that if this wasn’t the first what’s to say it will be the last? I have to accept failure as part of who I am. Weak and needy. After all, remember what Paul wrote? ”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2. Desire to be Forgiven and Clean – Again, this can be a hard step. I am ashamed at the times when I am not sorry. I am confused by the part of me that isn’t embarrassed of the wrong doing. Do I really not care that I did something so wrong? Perhaps it doesn’t feel wrong at all. Perhaps I only know it is wrong because I have been told so. It is these struggles that cause me to ask the Holy God for help. It’s acceptable for me to ask that He help me to see my sin. The enemy would certainly prefer that I remain in the dark. I must decide to reach for the hand of God as He pulls me from the darkness of my ignorance.
3. Ask – I don’t know how else to do this but from a kneeling position. When I kneel, I often I feel the throne of God above and before me with Jesus at my side. Christ comforts and encourages me to speak to the Father honestly and earnestly. As my relationship with God has increased and improved I have found the Fear of the Lord that allows intimacy, honesty and openness. Why should I be embarrassed to share from a heart He has most certainly known? Search me and know me! Now, with that open and honest humility, please forgive me.
4. Accept the forgiveness – I’m not sure how this could be difficult but it usually is for me. I think, “There’s no way He really could forgive me. I am delusional to be wasting time like this. I’m filthy and He is fed up with my issues.” It may be easy for us to read the text of those thoughts and write them off. It’s more difficult to discredit them when they are inside your head. Remember this: only Satan speaks like that. God WANTS to help you and clean you and forgive you! It must be a decision to accept forgiveness just as it is to ask for it.
I’m a walking and talking example of this blog entry today. I woke up this morning and walked right past my prayer altar at the foot of my bed. I was too ashamed to look at it, let alone use it. Three steps past it I stopped and turned around. I knelt down to begin my day with prayer and I went through these thoughts as I listed above. So let me brag about my ignorance and pride. Allow me to boast about how hard it is for me to say “I’m sorry, forgive me” even to a God that promises a good response! I am a ridiculous mess sometimes. But! He has made me strong! ”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” May Christ’s power be on you today too.
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Every honest Christian should be able to identify with the prodigal son. We all “waste grace” in our fallen humanity. It’s hard for us to realize that every time we “mess up”, our loving Father is ready to run toward us and welcome us with a hug and kiss. I confess daily, whether it be wrong thoughts, a critical spirit, or complaining about something. Saints in God’s eyes are those who are aware of their shortcomings and keep taking advantage of His limitless grace and mercy–which could be spelled FORGIVENESS!
The grind. The moment when our shame and God’s grace are in conflict. Our shame, painful thought it is, offers us possession of our own selves. Giving into God’s grace comes with the price of ourselves, because grace comes with the acknowledgement that it is God who possesses us, and we do not own our very selves.
Alberta mentions the Prodigal Son, and it is more than appropriate.
The younger son asks the father for his share of the inheritance. That’s not what the Greek says. He asks his father for his portion of ‘ousios which means being or substance or essence. And the father gives him his portion of bion, life. So the prodigal son is really a parable of the spiritual journey, of how Adam (and we) take our being and our life, which we’ve received from God, and we go into a far country. And once we have worn ourselves out there, we become slaves in that country. It’s interesting that it says, “when he comes into himself”. He discovers the emptiness within, he discovers the void that was created by going away into that far country. And he recognizes also that he’s no longer worthy to be God’s son, so he decides to return and to ask to be a slave. And then, of course, the father saw him afar (this is the same word that is used for the ‘far’ country, because God is already with him in the far country), just waiting for that acknowledgement of his condition. And the moment he acknowledges his condition and turns to return, God is there to embrace him and re-clothe him and restore him as a child.
We stubborn up in our shame, because even shame protects the illusion that we are something in ourselves, that I could open myself and find something there, rather than the nothing-but-God’s-grace that I was created to be.
It hurts. That’s the grind.